And I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

Everyday I hear something or meet someone that makes my heart sigh…again, and I find myself thinking just what am I doing with my life. Well to start with, I hate my field, I hate crunching numbers and spewing out figures like some kind of deranged number monster. I have been doing this for the past what, two years now and when I meet older people in my field I just wonder, I really wonder. How is it even possible that you’ve been doing this for this long now?...My next line of thinking usually goes, and when was it that you realized you lost your soul in the process??? I started this blog a week ago and the only times I am inspired to write something is when I’m at work….that is of course when I’m not working at a frantic pace to meet a deadline. Ahh deadlines, I hate those mean sons of biatches, I mean really what’s going to happen if the financials are not reported on this specific day…is that going to save any lives, or bring peace to even the smallest war-torn region in the world…hmm let me see, NO! On the grander scale of things, lets face it – It Doesn’t Matter.

I guess things would be easier if I knew what it is I wanted to do with my life. See that’s where the conflict lies. I'm not completely clueless though, I have this big picture in my head it's the process of fitting in the smaller pieces and getting to THE point that I am still trying to figure out. Can you say'quarter-life' crisis!
As a kid, I wanted to be a doctor, but then somewhere between learning about chemical equations and the digestive system in integrated science class, I realized medicine wasn’t for me. The only topic that perked my interest was reproduction (for obvious reasons) and even then shit wasn’t crystal clear to me. Next port of call would be literature, now if I could become a professional reader, life would really be grand! I could read for Africa! My mom used to call me booker t washington for jokes…I was always buried in a book. Can I just say imagination is the best thing to ever happen to humans! I would have this parallel existence in my head, living this life unknown to those around me. Even now in my early twenties, I still do that from time to time. I get inspired by a person, or movie…and I can totally be living a double life in my head. OK! Its not that bad, really I’m no schizophrenic, but I do have an imagination. So anyway I remember when I first read this newspaper for kids, I think it was the Weekend Punch newspaper in Nigeria that had a children’s version. It was like a dream come true, they featured all kinds of entries sent in by kids – stories, riddles, poems name it. I decided I was going to write a story to be featured in the paper, so I wrote and wrote and wrote, and gave to my mom to edit only for her to tell me to shorten it! Well then I thought, maybe I should stick to reading at least I do that well.

Thinking back I realize she never really encouraged me to pursue anything in the arts. I mean both my parents studied in the arts – dad was more media though, his background is journalism, but he’s very strong in Yoruba literature. He’s written a bunch of plays, one became a popular Yoruba movie. That’s what he does on the side though, he works in media. Now Mom is a different story, her background is theatre arts but somehow today she is a hot-shot banker, go figure! So anyway the story was always do something strong, typical Naija mentality style of parenting – no artsy wannabe children oh, strictly professionals in this family particularly in finance abi that is where the money is.

Getting into college in America and being exposed to all these different careers was great...if only I didn't end up studying the same old thing my mother intended. But boy did I drag my feet about declaring that major! Getting closer to graduation I worked up enough liver to actually decide I was going to screw it all! I decided to join the peace corps and volunteer for two years in whatever faraway developing country needed me the most! I just couldn't see the point of becoming one of a number in a business profession when there is this great need in the world. So my next course of action was to go into international development and do my own bit to try to save the world...

Here is me

So I made the decision this morning at work to start a blog, it just feels very necessary right now. Lately I get to work and for at least an hour or so I completely space out. I think of what was, what should be...I think of everything but what is. I think more than I talk and I do not want to live my life in my head! Hence the reason why I have decided to put into concrete words these thoughts, ideas, rants, raves...whatever they might be depending on circumstances ;)

I will try to introduce a little of myself today while staying as anonymous as I can, and the rest you can surmise from subsequent postings. I am one of those easy-going, happy-go lucky types, I am not afraid to put myself in unfamiliar situations and I am constantly looking for change. I am Nigerian and have been living in the United States for the past seven years...phew long time!!! Going back home is something I've been seriously thinking about lately but that might be compounded by the fact that I haven't been back in the last five years, which makes my seven years even longer! I love being Nigerian, I swear I would not have it any other way. But everyday I wake up in this country makes me less suitable for life back in the homeland. I am done with school(undergrad at least), currently working in my field and I have plans for b-school in a year or two...lately I've been considering INSEAD in France. I cannot speak French to save my life but that's how open-minded/adventurous I am. I recently made a move back to the big apple and the official number of moves in the past two years? SIX yes! which consists of 4 states and 1 capital. The other day my sister called me extremely mobile and I consider that a desirable attribute.